Our Story: The Break Up

By time I kissed Rick, it had been only three weeks since Jeremy and I had begun our break. Although I was really happy with how things were going with Rick, I was feeling really bad about what was going to have to happen with Jeremy. Once had made the decision to kiss Rick, there was no turning back.

Originally Jeremy and I had agreed to spend 4 weeks away from each other before discussing our situation. I didn't need anymore time, so I figured it would be easier to get the whole thing over with. I emailed Jeremy and he said that he had also already made his decision. We agreed to have dinner on Tuesday, February 1st, 3 weeks and two days after our break began, and 3 days after my first kiss with Rick.

Rick wasn't excited about this at all. I think he was really nervous that I was going to change my mind and that Jeremy and I were going to get back together. He claims that he was literally sick the entire time I was gone.

Jeremy came and picked me up. We went to Teryaki Stix for dinner. This was an odd choice. We have never been there together before and it isn't all that great. Maybe he wanted to go to neutral territory without memories.

Dinner was pleasant, but obviously really uncomfortable for me. I was sitting across from some one who had at one point been everything to me. It was weird to think that at the end of the evening, he would be completely out of my life. It was hard for me to fathom after he had been the center of my life for so long.

We got caught up on how we had spent the last 3 weeks. Obviously I edited my story quite a bit. I really had no idea what he was doing. It sounded like he was mostly focusing on school and hanging out with his buddies- but, you never knew with him. We talked about our families and updated each other on how everybody was doing.

After all of the small talk, we got in Jeremy's car and we drove up to the lookout on Y Mountain. This is where the serious talking began.

What Jeremy said and did that night was 100% unexpected. To preface this, I need to share a little bit about my history with Jeremy to illustrate how out of character everything was for him.

Jeremy and I had an interesting relationship. We were opposites in many ways that sometimes caused a strain. The biggest difference was his independence and my dependence. Jeremy was a free spirit, adventurous, and liked to have a lot of time to himself. While everyone else was taking their girls out on dates on the weekends, he was working. Not very fun for me.

During winter semester, Jeremy didn't schedule any classes on Wednesdays so that he could go skiing once a week. I loved to ski, but did I ever get invited to go with him? No. Jeremy spent almost 2 months one summer in Peru, visiting his old mission and exploring the mountains and the jungle. Did I hear from him very often? No. When Jeremy and I would go out, he preferred being with a big group of friends. I craved more one on one time with him. Maybe this was because I hardly saw him. The first year we dated, Jeremy and I were in the same ward. Did he sit with me at church? Hardly- he wanted to sit with his buddies.

I, on the other hand was much more dependant. Although it was not very healthy, my happiness was usually directly related to what was happening with him. I would easily become very bummed if things weren't going perfectly with him. I constantly felt worried and untrusting. Even though Jeremy worked until the restaurant closed on the weekends, I would often wait up for him to come home on Saturday nights. (We lived in the same complex the first year we dated). He usually didn't show until around 12:30. Some nights he didn't come home at all and I would go to bed feeling sick to my stomach. The more he pushed me away, the more I felt like my happiness depended on him.

From my viewpoint, it seemed like I was way more into himnthan he was into me. To compensate, I did everything for him in an effort to try and win his love. I would often get to the point where I couldn't stand it anymore and then I would contemplate breaking up with him. Then, it seemed like he would go and do something really great or romantic for me. I would be on cloud nine again and feeling like I had the best boyfriend ever. Soon after, things would gradually return to where they were and the cycle would continue. I was miserable.

So in a nutshell, Jeremy was overly independent, unemotional, but incredibly smooth at the same time. And for the most part, I was a wreck on the inside but tried to be the perfect girlfriend on the outside.

This is where we were the night of our talk. Here is what happened...

Jeremy said that during this time apart, he missed me like crazy and realized without a doubt that he wanted to marry me. He said he received a " confirmation"that we that we should be together. He that we were made to love each other. He said that he can't and doesn't want to see his life without me in it.

When he was done, it was my turn. What do you say to someone who just basically proposed to you when you don't feel the same way? I told him how sorry I was, but that I didn't feel the same way. I told him that although I loved him, I didn't think we were a good match for each other. I said many more things, which I now don't remember anymore. But, I didn't tell him about Rick. He even asked me if there was someone else, but I didn't have the heart to tell him. It was irrelevant. I wasn't leaving him for Rick. But, Rick did help me make the decision. Being with Rick helped me realize how bad Jeremy was for me. He taught me how I wanted to be treated. Even if things didn't work out with Rick and me, I knew that Jeremy just wasn't the person for me.

I think the hardest part about this was that I still loved Jeremy in a way. I wasn't breaking up with him because I didn't love him, but because I knew that I shouldn't love him. Because I still cared for him so much, I felt horrible for hurting him. I also felt a loss for myself in a way. It was the loss of a hope that I had had for a long time.

Then Jeremy did something I really didn't expect. He cried. He blubbered. He begged. He groveled. It was one of the most heartbreaking things I've witnessed. It was horrible.

Eventually Jeremy gave up trying to convince me to change my mind. He drove me home. He even walked me up to my doorstep with tears in his eyes and hugged me and gave me a kiss on my check. I will never forget the look of anguish on his face when he left.

But did I regret my decision? No. I knew that I was making the right decision. But, I still, I felt like a jerk.

I was fortunate to have Rick to comfort me upon my return and to be a living example of why I had made my decision. Jeremy went home to an empty apartment feeling confused and heartbroken.

Do you think that was the end of Jeremy? Read on...

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