Tasty Beans: The Grossest Blog Post I've Ever Written...So Far

This is one of those blog posts that I'm going to regret in the morning. Right now it seems funny. But, it's also 1 AM.

I'll advise you to go back to whatever you are doing if you don't appreciate potty humor.

Rick called me the other day from work, snickering about something. He told me a little story that went something like this...

He was sitting in his office, minding his own business when he felt the need to pass a little gas...as we all do now again. After realizing there was quite an impressive odor accompanying the gas, he decided it would be prudent to close the door, lest somebody enter his office and choke to death.

A few minutes later, somebody knocks on the door and opens it at the same time: The Plant Lady. Anybody who has ever worked in a large office building knows exactly who I'm talking about: the person you PAY to come and water your plants and occasionally pick off dead leaves. I still can't believe this is an actual occupation. Anyway, I'm getting off topic.

As the plant lady commences with her plant watering, she stops, sniffs, and asks, "You eatin' soup?"

Of course Rick says yes, what else is he supposed to say?

As the conversation winds down, I thank Rick for calling me to share this delicious little story and continue on with my day.

Several minutes later, the phone rings. It's Rick again and this time he's besides himself with laughter. The plant lady came in again. This time to ask him where he got his soup. He said he brought it from home. Again, what else can he really say?

I'm beginning to think that this lady has really bad taste in soup. Remind me to never accept any dinner invitations from her.

Cute Gwen

While riding in the car, Gwen expressed her distaste for a song we were listening to. She said, "I don't like his voice. It doesn't have a very good beat to it. (Sept '09)
Gwen sometimes gets the holidays confused, or intertwined. One day, she really wanted to make cards for people. She said, "When it's Saint Givings and Heart Loves, we need to make cards for everybody we love." (Aug '09)
Gwen LOVES it when Fiona smiles at her. I often hear her exclaim during the day, "Somebody just gave me TWO big smiles!" (Sept. '09)
One day Gwen and I were driving and she kept asking me for a drink while I kept apologizing for not bringing anything to drink. I reassured her that we would be home soon and I would get her something to drink then. Her response, "But Mom, I can't hold my thirst!" (Sept, '09)
Gwen and I were on a walk and there was a guy hanging out around his very messy garage- there was junk everywhere! As we walk by, Gwen asks him, "Hey, are you garage sale-ing?" (Sept. '09)
Gwen has a habit of calling people "humans". For example, "What is that human doing over there?" (Sept. '09)
Gwen: "Mom, do you want to talk together?" Mom: "Sure, what do you want to talk about?" Gwen: "Like when are you going to have another baby?" Mom: "Why do you want me to have another baby?" Gwen: "Because they are fun." Mom: "Ok, when do you want me to have another baby?" Gwen: "How about Wednesday?" (Sept '09)
I was eating shredded wheat and fed several bites to Gwen. She mentioned that she really didn't like it. I said, "Well then why are you eating it?" Her reply: "I don't like Noddy [a t.v. show] but I still watch it. Daddy doesn't like Barney,but he still watches it. That's why I'm eating it." Then she leans in for another bite. (Sept '09)
After Gwen was tucked safely into bed, I snuck a handful of Sour Patch Kids. Within a few minutes, she was yelling in her room and I went upstairs to check on her. I was laying in her bed talking to her, and she said: "Mom, what were you eating?" Me: "uhhhh, candy." Gwen: "How much?" Me: "Ummmm" Gwen: "A lot? [silence pause] What kind? Nerds?" Me: "No, Sour Patch Kids. They are really sour. They make my face scrunch up." Gwen leans in and says, "Let me smell your breath....Oh yeah! That's sour! It so sour that my breath is sour now too! Here smell it!" Then she leaned in so that I could smell her breath. (Sept '09)
We were listening to the song, "Funky Town" on the radio and Gwen said wistfully, "I wish I could go to funky town." (Aug '09)
I mentioned something about "my" Fiona. Gwen corrected me and said, "No Mom, she is OUR Fiona and we are never going to sell her!" (June '09)
Rick came home with McDonald's for dinner. He had a Happy Meal for Gwen and I said, "You are nicer than me, I never get her a Happy Meal." Gwen then says, "Do you get me a Sad Meal?" (May '09)
Gwen confuses the phrases "all the time" and "all day". She will often say something like, "Mom, why do we have to go to the store all the day?" (April '09)
Gwen always mixes up the words "nail polish" and instead says, "pol nailish". It's so cute, I don't correct her. (April '09)
Gwen came into the office the other day laughing. She was holding a plastic ear of corn up to her crotch and said, "Look Mommy! I have a penis!" I tried really hard (perhaps unsuccessfully) not to laugh at that one. I told her that it wasn't polite to do because a penis is a boy's private part. She says, "But Mom, it really looks like a penis!" I again told her that it wasn't nice to do. So, she hands me the piece of corn and says, "Ok, here you go, but don't eat it!". (April '09)
Gwen loves to ask questions, and I do my best to give her good answers, although sometimes she stumps me. Her question a few weeks ago suprised me, "Mom, why do I ask so many questions?" (April '09)
Gwen continues to be extremely observant of odors- to the point that I'm wondering if she has some sort of super-power. She catches me sneaking sweets only because she smells it on my breath later. The other day, I used a moisturizer with SPF on my face in the morning because I knew Gwen and I would be going to the park later that day. I know, I should use SPF moisturizer all the time. Anyway, later Gwen asked if she could wear sunblock too. I told her that we would put in on in a little while since we weren't leaving for the park for another couple hours. She asked, "Well then why do you have it on already?" My response, "What makes you think I have it on?" Her answer, "I can smell it!" (April '09)
I often take Gwen to reading time at the library. The man who leads it is named Mickey, and he has long hair tied back in a pony tail and a big bushy beard. The other day, we were driving through Everett and there was a stinky smell in the air. Gwen said, "Yuck! It's smells like Mickey's beard in here!" You can imagine my relief when he shaved his beard a few weeks later. (March '09)
Gwen gets pretty enthusiatic when she poops. She especially loves to poop out a family. I often hear her exclaiming, "Look! There's a Daddy poop, a Mommy poop, and a baby poop!" (March '09)
While playing at a friend's house, Gwen was a little frustrated because a 1-year-old snatched a few toys from her hands. I explained to Gwen that she needed to be patient with the baby, and that babies don't understand sharing. Gwen's response, "But Mom, I don't understand babies!" (March '09)
We can ofter predict what Gwen will say in a prayer. She never forgets to bless the children, the missionaries, Mommy and Daddy (several times), Jesus, and the Holy Ghost. Lately, she's also been saying, "Please bless Mommy's baby to come out." (Feb '09)
Gwen was spening the afternoon with Grandma and Grandpa Bean. While in the car, Gwen asked Grandma if she wanted to play a game. Of course, she said yes. Then Gwen says, "Ok, you pretend you are God and I will be Jesus." (Feb '09)
I overheard this when Gwen intruded on Rick while he was in the bathroom. "Dad, I don't have one of those! Is that a peanut?" (Feb '09)
Gwen came into my room, with her shirt pulled up, holding her stuffed dog up to her belly. She said, "Mom, can you help me find my boobs? I need to feed Sookie my milk." (Feb '09)
Gwen has recently become very observant of odors, breath included. One day she said in the car, "Mom, it smells like your teeth in here." (Jan '09)
During dinner, Gwen stood up on her chair and started shimmying and shaking like crazy. Then she says, "Can you hear my blood jiggling?" (Jan '09)
Mom: "What should we name the baby?" Gwen: "How about Comphony?" Mom: "It has to be a real name." Gwen: "It is a real name." Mom: "Really? Who do you know named Comphony?" Gwen: "Your baby." (Jan '09)
During church, Gwen was drawing on her little Magna Doodle. She showed me a picture that just looked like a bunch of scribbles and said a little too loudly, "Look Mom, I drew a picture of your privates. Actually, it's a fridge. Nevermind, sorry." (Jan '09)
Lately Gwen has been running around the house for a few minutes, stopping, and then saying, "I can hear my heart!" She always lets me listen too and it is always pounding! (Jan '09)
Gwen continues to pronounce the word "girl" as "grill". The other day I told her to say "curly". She said it just right. I asked her to say "curl", and again she pronouced it correctly. Then I asked her to say "girl" and she said it right for the first time ever. Then I asked her if she was a boy or a girl, and she said, "grill." (Dec. '08)
I was playing with Gwen and we were pretending to be on a boat trying to get away from a volcano. She was gathering up her animals, getting them on the "boat" to save them. Then she said, "Mom, the animals aren't really scared because they aren't alive." (Dec. '08)
Gwen doesn't nap often, but does still have quiet time during the day where she stays in her room for an hour and plays by herself. The only reason she can come out is if she needs to go potty. On this particular day, we could hear her talking, saying something about needing to go potty. Rick went in her room, and she told him that her stuffed animals needed to use the potty. Tricked us again! (Dec. '08)
After Gwen had been in her room for almost two hours, trying to sleep, I went in and asked if she wanted to cuddle in our bed for a while. Of course she said yes and quickly grabbed as many stuffed animals as she could carry (plus a few more). She said, "I need to bring my animals with me because they will get said and say 'Gwen, I miss you'". The cutest part was the voice she did for the animals. (Dec. '08)
The three of us were laying in bed one night when Gwen couldn't sleep. Gwen kept asking us what we wanted for Christmas. Gwen really wanted to kow what I was getting for Daddy, but I said that it was a secret and that I couldn't tell her because he was sitting right there. I was turned slightly away from her, and the room was dark. It caught me off guard when out of nowhere she was on top of me, hair covering my face and ear pressed up to my mouth, waiting for me to whisper it to her. I still can't figure out how she got there so quick. (Dec. '08)
We've been explaining to Gwen lately that there are some shows or movies that are "Gwennie" shows, and other shows that aren't good for her to watch because they are yucky. She's often wonders who is watching these shows if they are "yucky." The other day, she and I went to the library and I told her I wanted to look for a book for Daddy. In the middle of the quiet library, surrounded by people, Gwen asks loudly, "Mom, does Dad like yucky books?" One lady in particular made eye contact with me and was completely cracking up. (Dec '08)
There was a contractor at our house, doing some painting. He had a strong odor of smoke and alcohol. At one point, as he walked by, Gwen said: "There is a stinky smell in here." (Dec. '08)
Gwen amd I were coloring on the same page in a coloring book. No matter where I had my crayon, hers was right next to mine. Whenever her crayon would bump into mine, I would move my crayon to the other side of the page, without saying anything. She would then follow with her crayon. Finally she said, "Mom, I'm sorry I keep getting in your business." (Dec. '08)
Gwen and I were at Aaron Brother's with some friends. An employee walked past us, and he was very large. As he passed us, Gwen reached out, patted his stomach, and said, "Belly welly!" (Dec. '08)
Lately Gwen has been finishing her dinner very quickly and waits very impatiently for Rick and I to finish so we can play with her. One day she was whining and saying, "But who's going to play with me?" I suggested that her baby doll, Emma might want to play with her. Gwen says, "I want to play with somebody who's real." (Nov '08)
Gwen: "Mom, sometimes I wish Cole was a girl." Mom: "But then, he wouldn't be Cole anymore." Gwen: "That's right, he would be me!" (Nov '08)
I told Gwen that her friend Olivia's mommy, Kedra had a baby. Later that day, Gwen was playing with her toy phone. After a moment, she said, "I need to call and see how Kedra is doing." (Nov. '08)
Lately, Gwen has been saying "last day" instead of "yesterday". I can see how that would make sense. Why do we say "last night" but not "last day"? (Nov. '08)
I had been battling a cold for a few days and wasn't feeling so hot. Gwen came up to me and said, "Mom, I know you aren't feeling well. I hope you feel better soon." (Nov. '08)
Out of the blue, Gwen pulled the neck of my shirt down just a tad and kissed me on my chest, just below my neck. Then she said, "I kissed your heart." (Nov. '08)
I was unaware that Gwen changed the name of her bear to "Baby Jesus". One night, she was cuddling in bed with us and she says: "Mom, do you want to talk to Baby Jesus?" (Oct '08)
Gwen and I were talking about things that we are good at, and things that we are not so good at. I asked Gwen what I am good at and she says: "Giving hugs and kisses." I asked her what I'm not good at and she said: "Screaming. Closings doors hard. Telling dragon stories." (Oct '08)
We were riding in the car one day and Gwen was holding a little stuffed elephant. She says: "Mom, you need to drive slow because the elephant has a baby in her belly." (Sept '08)
"Mom, can I turn three again so I can have another birthday party?" (Sept '08)
Gwen was wearing underwear that has a big Thomas face on the bum. While riding in the car, Gwen said, "I'm farting on Thomas's face." (Aug '08)
When being asked where her daddy was, Gwen responded, "At Fargos. He has to get money so we can buy things." (July '08)
Gwen: "Dad, do you know what your birthday present is?" Mom: "Don't tell him! It's supposed to be a suprise." Gwen: "It's a toolbox." Mom: "I told you not to tell him!" Gwen: "I was telling you, Mom!" (June '08)
Gwen loves to talk about how she's going to have a baby someday. She wants to name it, "Jessica". Whenever I ask her what the name will be if it's a boy, she simple responds with a blank stare. (June '08)
I told Gwen that I was sad because I didn't have enough money for something. Gwen said, "Oh, honey, don't worry, Daddy will buy you some money." (June '08)
When Gwen uses the potty, she gets an M&M. Without fail she chooses a green one a says, "I want a green one cuz I like the green grass." The other day she suprised us all and chose a yellow one. I asked her why she chose yellow and she said, "Because I like the green grass." (June '08)
Yesterday Gwen and I walked around the outside of the LDS temple in Bellevue. She saw the Angel Moroni on top of the temple and said, "Oh! There's the Statue of Liberty!" I had no idea she even knew what that was! (June '08)
Gwen loves to quiz me on things. Today she said: "Who's Cole's mom? Member? She has long hair. Is it....Emily?!?" (June '08)
I love how Gwen pronounces some words. San-gwich = Sandwich, Member = Remember, Sumpin = Something, Gre-earl = Girl. (June '08)
Gwen noticed that lamp shade today. She said, "Oh, that's kinda pretty. Who bought it?" Then she accidentally knocked it with her hand and it spun around. Then she said, "Oh, it spins!" (June '08)
After I was wearing an old, ratty, stained t-shirt all day, Gwen suddenly noticed it. She caressed it said, "Oh mom, that shirt is so pretty!" (June '08)
Gwen's favorite word lately is "kinda". She loves to say, "That's kinda yummy!" (June '08)
I love how the word "mine" is is plural to Gwen. ie, "That car is mines!" (June '08)
Rick had just finished pumping his car with gas. When he got in Gwen asked, "Did you put oil in the car?" Rick was impressed that she knew oil went in cars. He told her he put gas in the car. She then asked, "Did you put honey in the car? Did you put strawberries in the car?" She thought she was hilarious. The entire way home she asked him if he put random things in the car including a bicycle, a goat, and a car. (June '08)
Gwen was playing with a little toy car and I asked her where the car was going. Her answer: "Fargos". She's got Daddy on the brain! (June '08)
Gwen really misses Rick when he is at work and asks about him all day. One day she said, "Is Dad hiding?" I said that he wasn't home. She said, "Oh, he's hiding at Fargos". I'm pretty sure he doesn't play hide and seek at work, but who knows. (June '08)
I had a big zit on my upper lip and Gwen asked, "Mom, what's under your nose?" I told her it was a little owie and she said, "I think it's a nipple." (May '08)
Gwen loves to play with her new toolkit, but sometimes she gets the words "fix" and "work" confused. Today, she was tapping her hammer on the table and said, "I'm working the table." (May '08)
Gwen was observing Rick talking to a guy with a huge stomach. She said to me, "Mom, that guy has a boob?" I told her that is wasn't a boob and she said, "It's a big boob!" Thank goodness he was out of earshot! (May'08)
Gwen found a blanket stored under my bed. She said, "Silly goose! This isn't a good place for the blanket!" Then she drug it to middle of the floor and said, "There, that's better." (May '08)
Lately Gwen has been asking people what their favorite things are. While on the phone with Aunt Sarah, she asked her what her favorite "who who" was. We weren't sure what she was talking about. When Gwen got off the phone, I asked her what her favorite "who who" was and she said, "An owl!" (May '08)
When asked what day of the week we go to church, Gwen answered, "Sun-Cloudy Day!" (April '08)
I overheard Gwen talking to a little girl who was playing at our house this morning. She announced: "I'm going to marry Cole." Gwen just met this little girl, so she must have wanted it to be clear from the beginning. (April '08)
Said several times this week during prayers, "Heavenly Father, please bless Daddy's hair, and please bless Mommy's hair." (April '08)
I was pretending to cry and Gwen got a little concerned. She patted me and said, "Oh Mommy, you're ok. Want some milk?" (March '08)
While Gwen was getting ready for a nap she asked, "Mommy, who bought my night-night binkie?" Me: "Daddy and I bought it." Gwen: "Oh, thank you, Mommy! When Daddy gets home I say thank you for night-night binkie." Later when Rick got home, I asked Gwen if she had anything to say to Dad. Immediately she said, "Thank you for my night-night binkie, Daddy!" Rick was a little confused! (March '08)
Gwen and I went to JoAnn Fabric one morning on a very quiet day. There weren't very many people in the store. A guy was there with long hair, tattered jeans, and a bandana on. Gwen would yell, "Look Mom, a pirate!" everytime we walked past him, which was more times than I would have liked. (March '08)
Lately, Gwen has been pointing things out around the house and has been wanting to know who bought it (ie, her toothbrush). I will tell her who bought it, (it's usually me) and she will say, "Oh! Thank you Mommy!" This is especially amusing when it's some little thing that we've had around for a while. (March '08)
Rick got a raise at work and decided to have Gwen tell Anna Marie the good news. While Anna Marie was out he coached Gwen all night to say, "Daddy got a raise!" The next morning she performed perfectly and then added, "Gwen got a little raise too!"
Gwen notices even the smallest noise. Her typcial reaction is to say "I hear sumpin" (March '08)
No matter how many times we correct Gwen, she calls Rick's work, "Fargos" instead of Wells Fargo. She recognizes the logo everywhere we go and loves to point it out. We signed our closing papers for our house at Wells Fargo Escrow. We brought Gwen with us and she called it, "New Fargos". We drove past at Wells Fargo in St George and she called it, "Grandpa's Fargos". (March '08)
Gwen's latest favorite phrase is, "a little bit". She's always a little bit tired or a little bit hungry, but most often, she is, "a little bit sick". (March '08)
Gwen continues to amaze us with her song recognition. While Rick was driving with Gwen in the car, "Walking After You" by the Foo Fighters came on. Gwen asked, "Do you like the Foo Fighters, Dad?" (March '08)
While Rick was driving with Gwen in my car, he was listening to music on my ipod. He quickly skipped through a couple songs to find something he liked and Gwen started saying, "Daddy, I like that song. Wake up! Go back!" He finally went back to the song he skipped and it was "Wake Up" by Arcade Fire. He was amazed she recognized it because it was only on for a second before he skipped it. (March '08)
While driving with one hand on the steering wheel and the other on my lap, Gwen asked, "Mom, where's your other hand?" I told her it was in my lap. Then she said, "Use both hands!" I asked if she meant that I'm supposed to use both hands while driving and she said, "Yes! Mom, you're so silly." (March '08)
While attending church with Cathy (Rick's mom) and Rick's Grandma, Gwen was curious about her cane. Gwen asked what the cane was for and Cathy explained to her that it was for Grandma's hurt leg. Gwen said, "My leg hurts just a little bit" and started rubbing the cane on her leg. (March '08)
Ok, I confess that sometimes I get hot at night and I sleep in my skivies. I went to get Gwen up the other morning before getting dressed and she didn't seem to approve of my attire. She said, "Mom, get some clothes on! Put your pants on!" (Feb '08)
For the last several months, Gwen has been calling milk "milkeries". We thought it was so cute that we are all saying it now. (Feb '08)
The first thing Gwen said when she woke up was, "I want to watch the TV at the airport!" (Feb 26 '08)
We were getting ready to visit Emily and her son Cole. After putting on sweater, Gwen said, "I'm so, so cute for Cole." Anna Marie explained to Gwen that we don't need to dress a certain to make people happy. She said, "This sweater makes Cole happy!" (Feb '08)
Gwen's favorite words are "but" and "though". She uses the whenever possible. Sometimes she will use just one, other times she will sneak in both ie: "But that hurts though" or "But I'm hungry though" (Feb '08)
At church, we pointed out a friend who was just about to have a baby. Gwen said, "Squeeze the baby out!" (Feb '08)
The first thing Gwen said when she woke up this morning was, "Uncle Michel likes cake!" (Feb 14 '08)
After dropping off cookies for a sick friend, Gwen came up with this about 20 minutes later. Gwen: "Mommy, I'm sick." Me: "Really, what's wrong?" Gwen:"I'm sick, I need a cookie." (Feb '08)
Gwen: "Oh my gosh Mom, I'm so tired!" Me: "Do you want to go to bed?" Gwen: "No, I'm not tired." (Feb '08)
"So, what's your name?" She says this to anyone, including me about 5 times a day. (Jan '08)
"I want a kiss." (Not very interesting until I mention that this has been said to the fridge repairman, the cable guy, etc.) (Jan '08)
"I want a hug." (This is what she says after I tell her she can't kiss somebody.)
"Mom, be very careful!" (This is usually a reaction when I try to accomplish a dangerous feat like going over a speed bump or using the step stool to reach something high.) (Jan '08)
"Dad tooted! That was a fart!" (Jan '08)

9 comments:

emily said...: o me o my ... i'm seriously laughing so hard at this post! that is TOO funny! and i love that he calls to give you the play by play ... also, how rude that he acused you of making soup that smells THAT bad!! ;o); February 12, 2010 at 9:58 AM
Amanda said...: I am seriously sitting here LAUGHING! That's a great story. You'll never look at your soup the same way again!; February 12, 2010 at 11:13 AM
Sarah said...: That's hilarious. What I want to know is: How many plant leaves died?; February 12, 2010 at 11:32 AM
Lisita said...: ummmm, soup!; February 12, 2010 at 12:15 PM
Minwimm said...: Hilarious! I really do appreciate potty humor. Thanks for sharing.; February 12, 2010 at 1:46 PM
Jeni and Dave said...: This comment has been removed by the author.; February 12, 2010 at 6:08 PM
Jeni and Dave said...: I've smelt some of Rick's "soup" before & its not something I would want to taste.

Come on Rick....shoulda drilled..; February 12, 2010 at 6:51 PM
Penny said...: Just maybe the joke is on Rick?! Could it be the lady knew he did a stinky and was messing with him -- trying to see what he would say? Perhaps she went home and had a diff story to tell her husband about the guy who farted in his office and how gross it was. Yeah, that's it.

Rick... you stink!!!; February 17, 2010 at 8:16 AM
Rachel Goodwin Williams said...: Girl, you are hilarious!!; February 19, 2010 at 11:25 PM

Friday, February 12, 2010

The Grossest Blog Post I've Ever Written...So Far

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Friday, February 12, 2010

The Grossest Blog Post I've Ever Written...So Far

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